These patterns form between the ages of 2 and 4, long before we’re even aware of them. They influence how we relate to others, how we handle closeness and distance, and how safe we feel in relationships—romantic ones, friendships, and beyond.

Attachment theory comes from the work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who studied how children respond to separation from their caregivers. What they discovered has become a cornerstone of modern psychology: our early experiences with caregivers deeply influence how we relate to others as adults.

Here’s the good news: understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself or feeling stuck. It’s about gaining insight into your emotional needs, recognizing patterns, and finding pathways for growth.

Why Attachment Styles Matter

1. They Shape Romantic Relationships

Your attachment pattern influences:

• How you communicate your needs

• How you respond to conflict

• Whether you feel safe relying on others

• How you interpret silence, distance or change

If you have a secure attachment style, you likely experience more stable and satisfying relationships. If you lean toward anxious or avoidant patterns, you might recognize cycles of closeness and withdrawal, or find it challenging to express what you need.

2. They Influence Friendships

Attachment affects:

• How you set boundaries

• Whether you worry about being “too much”

• How deeply you allow yourself to connect
   Whether you avoid relying on others

You might be surprised to notice that the same patterns that show up in your romantic relationships also appear in your friendships.

3. Attachment Shapes Self-Worth

Your earliest relationships taught you important lessons—sometimes helpful, sometimes painful:

“How people respond to me tells me what I deserve.”

For some, early experiences reinforced beautiful truths:

•  “I matter”

• “My needs are valid”

• “I am lovable”

For others, early relationships unintentionally taught harder lessons:

• “I need to keep people close, or they’ll leave”

• “I must handle everything by myself”

• “My emotions are too much”

The hopeful part? Once you understand these beliefs, you can begin to challenge and rewrite them.

4. Attachment Affects Emotional Regulation

If you’re securely attached, you likely handle stress more easily because you’ve internalized a sense of being supported and cared for.

If you have an insecure attachment style, you might sometimes feel:

• Easily overwhelmed

• Unsure how to calm yourself down

• Very sensitive to rejection

• Disconnected from your emotions

The good news is that therapy can help you develop these skills, even if they didn’t come naturally at first.

What Are the Four Attachment Styles?

Secure Attachment

If this is you, you likely:

• Feel comfortable with both closeness and independence

• Communicate openly and honestly

• Trust others relatively easily

• Handle emotions in a balanced way

• Set and respect boundaries naturally

This style usually develops when caregivers consistently meet a child’s needs—emotionally and physically. Through these experiences, you learn that relationships can be safe, predictable, and nurturing.

Anxious Attachment

Often characterised by:

• fear of abandonment

• worry about rejection

• difficulty trusting that others will stay

• heightened emotional sensitivity

If this resonates with you, you might find yourself overanalyzing interactions, seeking reassurance, or feeling deeply distressed when a relationship feels uncertain. This style often develops when caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes warm and responsive, other times distant or unavailable.

Avoidant Attachment

Common patterns include:

• discomfort with emotional closeness

• reliance on independence

• difficulty expressing needs

• avoiding vulnerability

Avoidant attachment often develops when children's needs for closeness or reassurance were dismissed or minimised. These adults typically learn to rely on themselves because seeking connection once felt unrewarding or unsafe.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment

Features may include:

• wanting closeness but fearing it simultaneously

• mistrust

• emotional intensity

• unpredictability in reactions

• difficulty regulating emotions

This style can develop when caregivers were frightening, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable. If this was your experience, you may have learned that relationships are confusing—you want closeness but aren’t sure how to find safety in it.

Can Attachment Change? Yes.

Your attachment style is not set in stone.

It’s a pattern shaped by your experiences—and it can absolutely change and evolve.

Change often occurs through:

• therapy

• emotionally consistent relationships

• developing self-awareness

• learning to communicate needs

• building self-compassion

Counselling in particular can offer:

• a safe, consistent relationship

• space to explore emotional needs

• an opportunity to practise vulnerability

• healthier internal beliefs about worth and safety

Through therapy, you can begin to internalize new, healthier beliefs:

“I can express how I feel and still be accepted.”
“Connection is safe.”
“I don’t need to chase love or push it away.”

Why This Matters for Personal Growth

Understanding your attachment style can help you make sense of:

• Why certain relationships feel draining

• Why you react strongly to distance or conflict

• Why closeness sometimes feels uncomfortable

• Why setting boundaries feels so difficult

• Why certain people emotionally overwhelm you

Most importantly, it offers the possibility of change.

Here’s what’s important to remember: attachment awareness isn’t about blame—it’s about empowerment.

When you recognize the patterns formed in childhood, you gain the power to respond differently now. You can choose healthier relationships, communicate more clearly, and treat yourself with greater compassion.

Final Thoughts

Your attachment style isn’t a label that defines you—it’s simply insight that can guide you. When explored in therapy, it can help you understand the roots of your struggles and find healthier ways of connecting with others and yourself.

If you’re curious about your attachment patterns—or if you notice that relationships often trigger anxiety, withdrawal, or uncertainty—counselling can help you understand these reactions and develop more secure ways of relating.

You deserve relationships that feel safe.
You deserve genuine emotional connection.
You deserve to be met with consistency, care, and respect.

Change is absolutely possible — and you don’t have to do it alone. Get in touch.