Who Came Up with Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was introduced by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, back in the mid-20th century. He believed that our early bonds with caregivers greatly influence how we relate to others as we grow up. Later on, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on his ideas and identified different attachment patterns through her well-known “Strange Situation”b studies with infants.

When Do Attachment Styles Start to Form?

Attachment styles typically develop during the first few years of life, often beginning to take shape in early childhood. They develop through our interactions with caregivers—how consistently our needs are met, how safe we feel, and how comfort is offered during tough times. Kids learn, often without even realising it, to ask themselves questions like:

• Can I rely on others?

• Am I worthy of love?

• Is being close safe or risky?

These early lessons help create an “internal map” for how we navigate relationships. These are the Four Main Attachment Styles:

1. Secure Attachment
   People with a secure attachment generally feel at ease with both closeness and independence. They trust others, express their feelings openly, and know how to handle conflict in healthy ways.
   

2. Anxious Attachment
   Those with an anxious attachment often fear being abandoned and may worry about not measuring up. They tend to seek reassurance, feel sensitive to rejection, and struggle with uncertainty in their relationships.
   

3. Avoidant Attachment
   People with an avoidant attachment style often prefer independence over closeness. They might find emotional intimacy uncomfortable, downplay their needs, and feel the urge to withdraw when relationships get intense.
   

4. Disorganized Attachment
   This style mixes anxious and avoidant behaviours. It often arises in environments where caregivers are unpredictable or frightening, making relationships feel confusing and unsafe.

Why Are Attachment Styles Important?

Because they have a big impact on:

• Romantic relationships

• Friendships

• Parenting

• Workplace dynamics

• How we deal with conflict, trust, and emotions

They shape not only our connections with others but also how we view ourselves.

Can I change my attachment style?

Absolutely! Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. While they start in childhood, they can change

over time through:

• Healthy, supportive relationships

• Therapy or counselling

• Self-awareness and reflection

• Life experiences that challenge old patterns

Many people find their way toward more secure attachments, especially when they feel safe, valued, and understood.

Why is the Anxious–Avoidant Combination So Challenging?

When anxious and avoidant attachment styles come together, it can create a rollercoaster of emotions. Here’s what happens:

• The anxious partner seeks closeness, reassurance, and connection.

• The avoidant partner often feels overwhelmed by the intimacy and tends to pull away.

This sets off a frustrating cycle:

• The more the anxious partner reaches out, the more the avoidant partner withdraws.

• The more the avoidant partner withdraws, the more anxious the other becomes.

Both partners’ deepest fears are triggered at the same time:

• Fear of abandonment (for the anxious)

• Fear of losing independence or being overwhelmed (for the avoidant)

Without awareness, this dynamic can feel exhausting, confusing, and emotionally draining for both people involved.

Wrapping up

Remember, attachment styles aren’t labels to judge ourselves or others—they’re patterns that developed as a way to cope based on early experiences. With understanding, compassion, and support, these patterns can shift and evolve. Learning about attachment isn’t about pointing fingers; it’s about making choices, growing, and healing. By understanding your attachment style, you’re taking the first step toward building healthier and more fulfilling relationships!